The Truth Behind Grief.

"Is like living two lives. One where you 'pretend' everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain" Unknown Author

We show you want we want you to see...

If you look a little closer you will see a girl broken that spends most nights locked in her room, crying herself to sleep wishing the pain would go away, wondering how much more she can take before she can't hold on anymore. 

   We do this so we don't loose you...

If we had to express how we really felt, it might push you away. It might make you think that we stuck and we are just consumed in negative energy. Grief is lonely enough as it is so we mask our real feelings so that you don't run away from us, because the truth is you don't know what to say to help us and we don't want you to say anything because nothing you say is going to make us feel better. 

"My worst nightmare is my reality... 

And there is nothing that can wake me up." Sandra

Three years, 4 months, 2 days and 18 hours to the day that my brother was killed, oh but what I would do to bring him back..

The second year is worse

The most untrue statement I have come to learn during this journey is "time heals everything". When it comes to the death of someone you love so deeply, that is the furthest statement from the truth. You see, if you haven't lost someone or you have just lost someone what you need to understand is, the firsts aren't the most difficult, the seconds are. My parents and I attend a group called TCF (The compassionate friends), ask anyone in these groups, the first year is not the worst, it doesn't get easier after you find the strength to make it past the first birthdays, anniversaries, etc. 

"Why do I say that?" you ask...

Well the thing is most of the first year is a complete blur, I have no recollection of most of the days, I can't tell you if I ate most days or not.  The first year is filled with so much denial sitting at the front door waiting for him to walk through the door, going to sleep every night praying that when you wake up it will all just be a bad dream. Then you reach year two and have to come to terms with the fact that you still sitting waiting and you then realise your worst nightmare is your reality. 

It won't get easier, but somehow along the way you learn to handle it better. You have to listen to what you need, don't listen to what everyone else tells you to do. This is your journey and at the end of the day it doesn't matter how many people you have around you, trying to be supportive, you will still feel so alone because no one will understand until it happens to them. 

I wake up everyday on a mission to make him the proudest big brother, and everything I do in this life I live for the both of us. However it is far from sunshine and rainbows, some days I don't get out of bed till midday, other days I hate every minute of the day just waiting to go back to sleep to try again. Though it is important to remember that "sad is not bad, it is just sad". Collen Lightbody You are allowed those overwhelming days where nothing in the world makes sense and you just crawl up into a ball and be unproductive. You need those days, it is important to let your emotions have room to breathe otherwise you end up suppressing your grief. It is equally as important that those days don't become your everyday, you still have to live the rest of your life on this earth, we don't know how long that is. What we do know is we need to remain healthy, mentally, physically and emotionally. So get up one day and go do something different, live your life. Do it in honour of the one you lost and look for the signs around you where they will let you know they still right by your side today, tomorrow and forever. 

Understanding that people just don't understand

When my parents and I first went to TCF support group. A young girl was talking about sibling loss. She is a few years younger than me. Her brother was also her older brother about the same age gap as my brother and I. Her brother also died in a similar manner. 

She said something that day that has always stuck with me, that us as grievers have to understand that those around us don't understand and that most times they may distant themselves away from us because of this. It sucks right? that we are the ones in pain, yet we are the ones that need to be understanding...

After she said that, I began expecting less from people and that way, I was hurt less by the people closest to me, when they aren't supportive or when they aren't present when I need them to be.

Sometimes it important to let those people know what you need from them because they don't understand and in all honestly no one can imagine it until it happens to them. Speak out let your loved ones know what helps you, what support you need, we are all so very different therefore we all grief so very differently. Expecting those closest to us to know what to do doesn't work, trust me I did that, it ends up with you feeling alone like no one cares and leaves them thinking you doing okay. 

This is the most difficult journey anyone can go on, so it is important that you do what is best for you. It does not matter how others expect you to grieve.