Understanding the silent grievers

I am an expert in sibling grief. Not because I'm a psychologist who specialise in grief. I am an expert because grieving my sibling is the life I live and his death has had a large impact on my life. 

The hardest thing about being a silent griever...

1. Bereaved siblings are misunderstood.

We are miss understood by all the people in our lives; parents, families, friends, partners, etc. So much focus is given to the parents of the dead child, the spouse or children of the dead adult child. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying they shouldn't have this support, but what about the siblings?

Feeling lonely in our grief comes from being misunderstood. For me and many other bereaved siblings that I have met the hardest part of trying to grief is the fact that we get no real support from those around us, instead we mainly get...

"How's your mom doing?"

"Your parents must be a mess."

"I can't imagine the pain your parents must be in."

Like somehow I am not in pain or falling apart... 

Yes a parent should never have to bury their child, that is unfair, that is not the circle of life as we know it. 

Yes my mom went into hours of labour to bring my brother into this world.

Yes my mom and dad made us who we are today, they moulded us from the very first day we came into this world.

I don't for one second deny that their pain is unexplainable, torturous, unfair and soul crushing. I couldn't for one minute imagine what they go through on a daily basis waking up everyday knowing their son is still dead. 

Although bereaved siblings also lost everything. What about the ones like me, who have grown up with the deceased? What about the ones who believed that we had a lifetime with our brother or sister? What about the ones who have to now live a lifetime alone?

We lost our other halves, we lost so much more than anyone could understand, because they were just our brother or our sister. 

He isn't just may brother he is my limb. 

He was made from two halves of the exact same people I was made from, therefore "he is me and I am him". 

Sibling grief is so misunderstood that literature itself has almost entirely overlooked this kind of bereavement. If mental health providers, psychologists, counsellors, etc have misunderstood sibling grief, how are our parents, families, friends, partners, etc. supposed  know how to help siblings through their grief if the research on the topic is almost non-existent. 

2. A sibling love is diminished 

The love for a sibling in indescribable, the love from a sibling is greater than any other. 

This kind of love requires no effort, their in no expectations for loving a sibling. 

Yes... you love your parents and they love you more than life itself. This is a love felt so deep down to your core, therefore you want them to know they did the best job raising you. You want them to be proud of the person that you have become, you do your best in your studies for them, sometimes children even follow the career paths that their parents want for them. 

Yes... you love your partner and they love you. This love holds compassion, attention and affection. If you didn't nurture this love, if you didn't invest time in this love would it still be there? 

This is why I say sibling love is greater than any other because there is zero expectation

on this love. This kind of love comes easily, naturally and effortlessly. 

You can do no wrong in your siblings eyes, they will remain. You can make no mistake unforgivable to a sibling. You lived with this person (being the younger sibling like me) for your whole life. A sibling loves you like a friend, they become your best friend because you share almost everything in life. They also love you like a parent because they will protect you like one. 

3. Siblings loose their innocence

Experiencing a loss like this becomes a lifelong relationship with grief. You never get over it, you forever walk alongside it. 

Siblings can often start to fear death, which is common. We begin to fear dying and are scared that our parents are going to also loose us. 

Anxiety or worry about almost everything in life may become prevalent. Things that seem insignificant to our friends or family give us anxiety. For myself one of these "insignificant things" are, if someone is driving with me in the car and they go over the speed limit I start getting very bad anxiety, which I never experienced before the death of my brother. 

Siblings experience survivors guilt in many forms. They may have had a fight with their sibling as siblings do. Wished their siblings we "dead" in anger or irritation, and them believed that they are somehow responsible for their siblings death. They don't understand why it wasn't them instead, why were they allowed to live while their sibling died.

3. Siblings experience a double loss in many ways

They lost their brother or sister as well as the loss of their parents. I know this from my own experience, although my parents have done the best they can in these most difficult times. Our entire family is forever different after that day, in an instant we were suddenly living with completely different people. We lost hope on life, we lost the understanding of life, we stopped caring about what the world needed from us, or thought of us.

My parents still stay very present in my life, what has helped me is that I have been fortunate enough for my parents to allow me to the space to grief amongst them. They never minimise my grief to theirs EVER. They make sure that our families and friends also acknowledge me and my loss. I am forever grateful that I have the amazing parents that I do, because I know I would never be able to live this life without them. 

However, I have still lost my brother and the parents I once had, they do their very best more than most, I know from experience by observing this in our grief support groups. Although they still do struggle to find excitement in my life, as much as they try their best to show it, I know them better than they realise. It is very hard for them when an enormous part of their heart is missing from the future they expected for us. Which is more than understandable. 

My best advice for bereaved siblings ...

Grief for as long as YOU need to, not for as long as society tells you to. 

Give yourself the time and space that YOU need, not that of what those around you tell you is acceptable.

Don't suppress your pain because you scared of pushing people away, the only person that suffers is you. You need to let it out don't bottle it up. I did that and eventually when I did let it out I felt so alone because everyone had "moved on".

Due to the fact that sibling grief is so misunderstood, you may receive messages that make you feel like you should be "over it by now". You may receive messages that are insensitive towards your life, worrying more about your parents and ignoring your pain and loneliness. 

Always remember they don't know sibling loss, you do! It takes time. 

You don't ever "get over" the death of a sibling. 

You don't ever "move on" from the death of a sibling.

You use your time to breathe and build yourself back up, you will never be fixed, you will forever be filled with cracks. That is okay don't hide those cracks. 

The death of your sibling has had an enormous impact on your life and who you are today, show it. You shouldn't ever feel like you not allowed to talk about your sibling because they are gone. 

They are never gone, they will forever be beside you in everything that you do, always look for the signs that they leave you to remind you to keep living. 

Live in honour of them, make the world know them as if they never died. 

It is said, 

"When you lose a parent you lose your past. When you lose a child you lose your future. When you lose a sibling you lose both" 

Remember to be there for siblings in grief...

You can so very easily be the difference in helping them feel heard and understood. you can be the difference in helping them recreate a future without their loving sibling, that is going to be so incredibly difficult for them. 

Be patient with a bereaved sibling, we are trying our best, we understand that you don't understand what to say or do. We don't need you to fix it with words, we know you never can. Don't try make us happy, don't try tell us it's not good to be sad. 

Just be present, just listen to us, even if it means just sitting in silence. 

Always remember "sad is not bad it is just sad".