He stayed even when I wished it was him instead.

 Can you just imagine that... 

Your boyfriend at the time, a couple weeks after the tragic incident, see's a message you send one of your brothers best friends where you wished it was him instead of your brother? 

... he still stayed, loved me and supported me through it every single day. 

My parents don't know I know this but my boyfriend told me my dad phoned him and spoke to him for 2 hours after finding out what happened. I am so grateful that in my fathers absolute worst time he still thought about me and tried all he could to 'fix' what I said. 

I started writing this blog post in 2020, but I have been so scared to finish it and share it with the world. How horrible can I be to wish my boyfriend died instead of my brother, so instead I put it off, but I think it's about time I share this story. To show my other fellow bereaved siblings that you are not a terrible person for having thoughts as dark as this. Also to show you that there are people in your life that are there to support you through the good and bad. 

...when he said he was going to be here for me in better or worse, all those years back he meant it, because as I finally share this story I can tell you the boyfriend that stayed with me after I wished he died instead of my brother. Well he is now my husband and there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for him and our life together. He has been one of my biggest support systems that I didn't know I needed and what he did and scarified for me can only be described as unconditional love.

If you have a partner during grief it can be so incredibly hard to make the relationship work. Relationships at face value are 50/50 right? Well that isn't the case when one is grieving a loss so incredibly enormous in their life. It becomes 10/90 for a really long time. It takes a broken person who has given up on life and an incredibly strong person with so much love and kindness to hold your hand through that darkness. Not to try pull them out of it because that can be so detrimental to a relationship, when the partner is trying to 'fix it' or make you go back to your 'old self'. They need to just walk along side you in the dark holding your hand, ready to hold on tighter when the grief waves come in that drown and try to wash you away. Accepting that you will be a completely different person to that you once were. 

In my relationship, my now husband has always been 'the fixer'. When I have a problem, he is ready to find solutions to fix it. It was hard for him to realise that I didn't need a fixer, I needed a listener, a punching bag, a shoulder. He was all of those and so much more. 

It is no sunshine and rainbows to date a griever, it is screaming, crying, hate and anger all mixed and muddled together. 

Our relationship took enormous strain for a solid 4 years. There was no intimacy and chemistry. One could say we became friends that called each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I was the absolute worst and I put him through hell. I can acknowledge that I was incredible cruel to him, I understand he didn't deserve that and he understands that I was grieving and that I still continue to grieve because it isn't something that will ever just stop. That understanding isn't spoken it is just understood between us and in the unconditional love we show each other everyday. 

During the most difficult times:

I pushed and he pulled...

I wept and he embraced...

I bled and he repaired...

I was a disaster, the worst of its kind and yet he still had the audacity to be my punching bag.

Relationships are so difficult in this modern day...

Be patient with each order. If you are the griever, try to remember they are there and trying their best for you. Tell them what you need from them in terms of support, it makes it so much easier. Try be gentle and kind with your approach to them. If you the partner breathe, you cannot fix this all you can do is be a constant in the grievers life and love them even when they are unlovable.